You Need Better Resolutions in 2019

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Yes, I know, you want to lose weight, stop smoking, exercise and be better to yourself in 2019. Don't we all? Good for you; those are fine goals. But let's think outside the box for a second. (And, by the way, you do realize that the expression "think outside the box" is old and tired and itself no longer thinking outside the box, right? I think it's time we started to think outside the box around the box, or the cube around the box, or the cube around the box inside the sphere that's wrapped in bacon and broiled at 375 degrees for 30 minutes.)

You need better ideas for New Year's resolutions and I'm here to help. I'm just gonna riff here. Take what you like and ignore the rest.

Smile more. 

Yell less. 

Take more bubble baths. 

Read a book instead of a magazine. 

Give someone the benefit of the doubt. 

Drink champagne. 

Try something you've never eaten before. 

Ask someone out. 

Ignore a slight. 

Take that vacation even though it's over your budget. 

Listen to reggae music. 

Turn off the computer and go outside. 

Ride a bike. 

Watch The Sound Of Music

Get more sleep. 

Get a new hobby. 

Masturbate.  

Buy a better pillow. 

Empathize more. 

Volunteer for a good cause. 

Write someone a letter by hand and mail it. 

Start a journal. 

Don't text and drive. 

Go walk in the woods. 

Read Thoreau's Walden

Read David Sedaris. 

Drink more water. 

Have a drink before 5:00 sometimes. 

Go to the after-work party once, even if you dislike your co-workers. 

Listen to old Bill Cosby comedy routines. 

Try a new position in bed. 

Grow something. 

Stop being single

Encourage someone. 

Forgive yourself. 

Go to a museum. 

Make something with your hands. 

Tell someone you love them, even if it's embarrassing. 

Be honest. 

Get a pet. 

Splurge on an article of clothing. 

Take a train ride somewhere. 

Leave town for the weekend. 

Stay at a bed and breakfast. 

Watch Akeelah And The Bee

Watch Field Of Dreams

Watch Roman Holiday

Make a bucket list, even if you're only 14. 

Laugh loudly. 

Fart loudly. 

Order the special.

Call your mom.

Make up with someone. 

Have dessert.

Skip that last drink--you don't need it. 

Stand up for someone. 

Spend more time naked. 

Read Shakespeare. 

Text an old friend out of the blue.

Tell someone what you love about them. 

Read a Harry Potter book. 

Deflect anger with a smile.

Laugh in the face of adversity. It will be over soon enough. 

Sing aloud, even if you're terrible. 

Spend more time with kids--your own or someone else's. 

Play a board game. 

Ride a roller coaster even if it scares you. 

Make a list of things you like about yourself and keep it handy so you can look at it when you're down. 

Try a vegetable again, the one you last tasted as a child and hated. Tastes change. 

Get a massage. 

Sit in a hot tub.  

Rub someone's feet. 

Work late less. 

Sit on your ass and do nothing for a day. 

Do crossword puzzles. 

Have sex in the shower. 

Love people for what they are and forgive them for what they are not. 

Keep your promises and if you can't, don't make them. 

Here's to a great 2019 for all of us. 

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